One more goal.
Today is the 17th day since the crash that left
me hurt and pissed off. The doctors told me 6-8 weeks for my foot to heal, 3
months for my back and then re-evaluate. After hearing the long road ahead I
switched gears in my mind. The doctors can say what they want, I know my body
and healing quickly is a matter of will, want and hard work. I can do better…much
better! So I set some goals.
The first goal- swim.
Since the Wednesday following the crash I have been to the
pool every day. Every day! The spine doc said swimming would cause pain but not
injure me any further. I trust very few people with my medical care. Dr. Chris
Webb is one of two so I would call, text, bother him (sorry) constantly asking
what I could and couldn’t do. He confirmed, swimming may hurt but it wont cause
further damage. Goal #1-Wading became walking, walking became floating,
floating became sculling and sculling has now led to swimming. Im slow as hell
and my legs drag because tightening those back muscles isnt happening yet-but I
swim. 500yds, 1000yds, 1500yds and yesterday- 2100!!! I cant flip turn so I
keep my head in the water and spin around to lightly push off the wall with my
good foot. I know I look stupid but it’s a work in progress. HA! SPL is 4-5
high and my time…well, lets not even talk about that right now. Thanks Chris!!!
Sorry but I still have to bother you.
2nd goal- get back to coaching and the ATC.
I don’t need to go on about how awesome this group is or how
supportive they have been or how people I barely know offered to help any way
they could, or how Matt & Dustin spent a Friday night moving furniture and
hanging out with me. I wont go into all that ;) Yes, the ATC is amazing! Its
that amazingness that inspires, supports and pumps me up every time Im around
them. They welcomed me and Tami since day 1. That is why this was goal #2. I
needed to be back. Last Friday I made it and glad to be back I am!!! Thank you
ATC!!!!
3rd goal- get on the trainer.
I set this goal for the start of week 3- Monday, March 24th.
It didn’t happen. I was sore from perhaps possibly over doing it in the pool.
Possibly… so today I said it needed to be done. Even if for a minute. Chris Rotelli
gave me a water bottle last week with the saying; “ I am the master of my own
fate.” You are damn right!! Those words hit home and replay constantly in my
head. Trainer time- 45 minutes!
4th goal- complete Ironman Florida 70.3, five
weeks post-crash.
The limiter here would be my foot. How I was going to make
it through the half marathon Im not sure, but I had time to figure this minor
detail out. Tami quickly put an end to this goal. I think the term “psycho” was
used along with some other explitives…lol!!! Sorry babe!
Im happy with the progress but there is still a lot of work
to do and perhaps its outside of the physical healing. Today as soon as I
started pedaling the anger began to rise. With each pedal stroke, the pain
would come but the anger overtook it. Power and cadence are just like my
swimming- way off. Mad, pissed, irate, I stopped.
I set some lofty but attainable goals for this year. The
formula was simple. Swim my swim. Bike at 3.7-3.9. Run was the limiter and we
were addressing it with frequency like I have never done before. My weight was
down, nutrition was spot on and hydration would no longer hold me back. This
was the year!
That’s all gone now. What remains is anger and fear. When I
go to sleep, sitting at my computer or drinking coffee in the morning, flashes
of wrecking my bike come into my mind. I’ve replayed that day a million times
thinking about what I could’ve done different. I should’ve pushed the break. I
should’ve pushed the pace. I should NOT have dropped back in. It culminated
today as I pedaled on the trainer. I had no power, spinning was painful and all
that I had worked for is gone.
I realize Im lucky. Very lucky! This could have been much
more serious and ended much worse. I could have no support from my wife,
closest friends and ATC. I could still be on the couch and not doing anything
at all. I realize this. I don’t feel bad for myself and the will to rehab is
stronger than ever. Regardless- Im still extremely angry!! Adding to that anger
is the realization that I don’t seem to be a big enough man to let it go. Anger isnt a bad emotion- I get that. Its
natural and if handled well can be useful. I need to figure that part out. One
more goal to put on the list…
It's hard to let go of the anger and the emotional trauma (i.e. the flashbacks and such). I crashed heavily in a race in 2009 due to someone else's mistake. Four days in the hospital, a month of work missed. It took lots of miles on the road over the course of several months before I could ride without visions of that day. The reason I was moved to comment, though: it's not "all gone now." Your body hasn't forgotten the work you did. Hitting the ground didn't knock your fitness out of you. You'll heal, you'll work hard again, and you'll get back to where you were. The cards have changed, and you have a new hand to play. That's all.
ReplyDeleteThanks George!! Frustrating as you seem all to familiar with. I appreciate the reply!!! Thank you!
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